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2019: The Year of No Goals or Resolutions

Surprised to see the "2019 Goals" post hasn't popped up here yet? I know, me too. But there just isn't going to be one this year in fact, there's going to be no goal setting for me this year and I've got just one small reason why.

At the end of each year, I always enjoy reflecting on that past year and all the things it has taught me, the growth I've made, analysing the decisions and choices I made (the good and the bad) and 2018 was no different. What is different this time around however is that I've got no strong desire to set out goals for myself for this year. I don't have any enthusiasm for goal-setting for this 2019. This is probably coming across as negative but, I'm actually seeing this complete change of heart as a huge positive and just another change in my personality/wants etc. that is happening as I grow as a person. I usually enjoy goal-setting at the start of each year and whilst I will always say I don't create strict resolutions because I often find them completely unattainable and destined for failure, smaller more manageable goals have always been something I've liked to put in place to start the year off with motivation and something to set my sights on. This year I've had no willingness to even set the smallest of goals though and some thoughts and some people have a part to play in that.

Over the festive period, I bumped into an old friend who I hadn't seen for over 10 years. It was surreal but lovely to have a catch up and know that despite changes like growing up and you know, being adults now, not a lot had changed at the same time. When I was asked what I was up to now and how life was treating me, I joked about how although my life is fantastic, I hadn't quite ticked off everything from 16 year old Amy's expectations list that I thought I would have accomplished by 25. You know, the whole being secure in your career in terms of knowing what you want to do for the rest of your life, being married, and having kids - those things that I certainly haven't "ticked off" yet. Although of course I am happy and secure in my life as it stands right now, my friend simply said "why would you put that sort of pressure on yourself though? Just enjoy things for what they are" and honestly? That's a simple yet profoundly wise comment that I've definitely taken with me now.

I've always enjoyed goals as I've always felt they give me something to work towards and they keep me on track however, if I think about many of my 2018 Goals and review them now, I actually feel kind of disappointed to see that most of them have dwindled, my enthusiasm for some of them have dropped or completely disappeared, and some of them simply never made it out the starting gate. I've realised that the "goals" I have been putting in place - even those smaller, seemingly less significant ones - have been creating almost a tunnel vision for my motivation and enthusiasm which often results in suffocating both instead rather than seeing any form of success formulate. I want to take a step back this year and take things as they come and just truly enjoy what comes. I tend to be someone who has to plan. I have to plan each and every detail so I feel comfortable and confident with what will happen, but this is turning out to be more detrimental than constructive. I want to get back to just enjoying life and not worrying about ticking things off.

Will I still make endless to-do lists that make me feel like a girl who has her day-to-day life and shit together? Abso-blummin'-loutely. I'm a planner and an organiser and those are things that actually help me short term but that one little comment that was said in such a throwaway conversation has made me rethink how I direct my energy in long term aspects of my life and has made me want to slip on some more carefree shoes that will find joy in simpler, easy breezy things that organically come into my life. I want to feel the surprise and wonder that life has to offer and not worry if I haven't worked out for 2 weeks - who actually gives a shit? I want to not give a left nut if I haven't created art in 2 months because it should be a fun pastime, not a chore just to validate my "goals" that literally no one is holding me to. Do I want to spend time dwelling on something so mundane that is a past decision I made that can't be erased? No. There's nothing constructive to come of it! Although analysing things like that can lead to growth and change for my future self, I am the sort of anxious mind that will wake up randomly at 3am in 5 months time still wondering why I did or didn't do *the thing* and beat myself up about it. My one goal this year is to not do that. My one goal is to just like myself. Like my life. Like my decisions, my faults, my development and growth, my moments and all that that encompasses.

There's no pressure on myself to say that in 11 months time, I hope I'm writing here that it was a good change to make; that it's had the desired effect and I feel fulfilled from it. Because why put that additional pressure on something that could just be pure? I'm just going to take you, 2019, as you come and I look forward to seeing what you bring to the table to play.

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